From Struggle to Strength: How Soul Recovery Healed My Marriage

For many years, I thought that love meant control. I believed that if I said the right thing or set the right boundaries, I could fix my marriage. If only he would change or see what I saw, everything would be okay. This mindset nearly broke us.

Rich and I have been together for 32 years and married for 30. Throughout our time together, we've faced addiction—both our own and that of our children. We've navigated through betrayal, dishonesty, resentment, and years of miscommunication. At times, it felt easier to check out than to stay engaged. Just staying together felt heavier than letting go. Yet, here we are, sharing morning coffee, more in love and at peace than I ever imagined possible.

I often get asked: How did you stay? How did your marriage survive addiction, relapse, and all the pain? My answer is simple, though not easy: Soul Recovery.

The Shift from Fixing to Healing

For years, I focused on Rich’s drinking and behavior. I wanted him to see what I saw. I wanted him to change and do the work my way. But when I turned my focus inward, everything changed. By stopping my attempts to control him and starting to work on myself, the energy in our marriage shifted.

Soul Recovery taught me that true healing isn’t about changing someone else. Instead, it’s about healing yourself. Letting go of control and choosing peace—regardless of others’ choices—was key. Healing a marriage is not a solo act; both partners need to be willing to grow and learn. I could do my own Soul Recovery work, but for our relationship to thrive, Rich also needed to commit to his journey.

Building Safety Instead of Demanding Trust

One of the biggest lessons I learned is the difference between trust and safety. Trust often comes with expectations: I trust you to do what I want so I can feel secure. Safety, however, is indispensable. It's knowing you can be vulnerable and show up as your true, flawed self.

We didn’t always have that. In the past, our communication was full of subtle manipulations and unmet expectations. But when we both started doing the work—Rich in his own way, and me in mine—we built a foundation where we could be real with each other. Finally, we could express feelings like, I don’t feel safe in this moment, without starting a fight. We learned to listen instead of react.

It's important to note that not every relationship is meant to last. Sometimes, staying isn’t the answer. The crucial factor is whether both people are willing to learn, take responsibility for their healing, and commit to personal growth. If both are willing, a relationship can transform. Yet, if one person is unwilling, the healthiest choice may be to let go with love.

The Power of Presence

Sobriety didn’t make all our problems disappear. Life remains challenging. We still deal with aging parents, health issues, parenting our adult children, and financial stress. The difference now is that we face these difficulties together, with presence.

Presence changes everything.

Not long ago, I returned from an emotionally heavy trip. In the past, I might have brought my stress into our relationship, expecting Rich to fix it or getting frustrated if he didn’t react the way I wanted. This time, however, was different. He simply received me. He listened without attempting to fix things. He held space for me without judgment. In that moment, I realized this—this—is the marriage I always wanted. Not one without challenges but one where we meet those challenges with love rather than fear.

A Marriage Built on Soul Recovery

Rich and I created a space we call an oasis. It's not a perfect life but a peaceful one—a place where we can come home to ourselves and each other, even when life gets messy.

If you're struggling in your own marriage, if you feel trapped in patterns of control, resentment, or fear, know that healing is possible. It begins with you. You don’t have to wait for your partner to change. You can find peace now.

However, remember that a healthy relationship requires two people who are willing to show up, do the work, and commit to healing. If both partners invest in their growth and nurture the relationship, transformation is achievable. If not, sometimes the most loving choice is to release what no longer serves your soul.

Soul Recovery is about reclaiming your joy, worth, and sense of self. When you do this, everything else shifts—your relationships, your family, and most importantly, the way you love yourself.

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to do the work, I invite you to begin your own Soul Recovery journey. You are not alone, and there is so much love and healing waiting for you. 💜

This blog post is inspired by the podcast episode: From Struggle to Strength: How Two Recovered Alcoholics Built a Safe Partnership through Soul Recovery. Listen here.

For more on Soul Recovery and the 9-Step Soul Recovery Process, listen to the Recover Your Soul Podcast on all streaming platforms or the website. Explore more.

"Together we can do the work that will Recover Your Soul." Rev Rachel