Having Had a Spiritual Awakening....
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps (Soul Recovery), we tried to carry this message to alcoholics (those ready for inner change), and to practice these principles in all our affairs .” 12th step of AA
On February 10th I will be celebrating 5 years of sobriety and I think of the first line of step 12 quite often…. “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps…” I have had what I believe they were talking about in the Big Book. I have had a healing and profound change in how I see and walk in the world because I have turned the attention to myself and choose to be healed by letting go of control and turning my life over to the Higher Power of my understanding.
That does not mean that I am not still confronted with people and situations that are complex, or that my marriage does not still need to be nurtured, or that I don’t feel lonely or frustrated at times. What it means is that the pain and suffering that I felt from the past has all but washed away to be replaced with a feeling of peace and contentment and gratitude for the life I have.
Looking back through pictures over the years, and how alcohol played such a big part of our life for so long, it’s no wonder I ended up exactly where I did 5 years ago. There was this never ending fantasy that it was the only way to have fun, to relax or to connect with other people. Then I became a control addict as I tried to keep our family and our life together when it was falling apart. However, the me from my past life chapter was inwardly disappointed and exhausted from trying to fix and please everyone around me. The drinking and other vices covered the inner pain I felt about all of it until I lost myself completely.
I am grateful that I had my own spiritual bottom and the moment of grace to decide to choose to live and want a life that was better for me. I decided I deserved to live. I began to see that I had tried to fix and control everyone around me that included their addictions, their emotions, their finances, their decisions, almost every aspect of their lives. I needed to put my energy in the only place I actually had control…. On me and my healing.
The me in my new and current life chapter has used the tools of Spirituality, 12 Step and Soul Recovery to find a new way of being that has given me the strength to be surrounded by the storm of life, and still feel grounded and safe. There are still days that I have to use all my spiritual strength to stay in this new chapter of my life and not run back to old and comfortable dysfunctional behaviors and patterns. However, it is easier and easier to see those old patterns and behaviors and choose the spiritual path to keep my happy and healthy life.
We are all here to grow and to learn. We need the dark to see the light. We need the pain to feel the joy. If you are still in the darkness and the pain, you too can choose the light and joy. You can move to the next steps in healing. If I can do it - you can do it! Put yourself and your Soul Recovery at the top of your list and one day at a time choose happiness and let go of control. There is a solution and you deserve to be happy and healthy!
You deserve Soul Recovery!