Updated: Oct 12, 2020
On Saturday, February 8th,
I celebrated my 2 year soberversary of not drinking. The 12 steps has done as it says and brought me many of the promises that you find in the “Big Book”. Most of my days now are good days,-actually often great days- where I feel a connection with myself and others, serenity, and ease that is new. I find it surprising that in sobriety, I have not had the obsession to drink as I had for 2 full years. I am not sure where that time has gone and although I now have a greater experience of each day with a clear and sober mind, time has become a more open space in my life.
My desire to share recovery is not just about drinking—it’s really about the powerlessness and unmanageability that my life had for a long, long time and sharing the journey to recovery of my soul. I used drinking, and tv, and spending money, and eating, and working, and obsessing about fixing other people’s lives to try and feel differently. To try not to feel the way I felt. To take control of a world that felt completely out of my control. It is just that drinking became the one thing that could be named as being a "problem" that I could address to start the changes in my life. However, once I opened the Pandora’s box that was my mind and life, it was clear that drinking was but a symptom of a much larger set of issues.
This is actually not my first time in sobriety and in the rooms of a 12 step program. I have had over 3 years under my belt, but that is part of the story that got me to where I am today.
This week, following this milestone of time, my mind has gone a bit off track and wanting to look at what that's about is part of what I am hoping to share with others. I am now 50 years old; I have been married for 25 years; my children are out of the house and when I look out at the world, I see people who are all looking for the same things. Each of us is so unique and special and yet, the experience of pain, loss, love, grief, happiness, and a million other experiences are similar. I will never share an experience that has not been felt by someone else or say something that you don't already know—but my experience is personal to me, and yours is personal to you. We must each have these experiences to learn and to grow, but to do it together and share these feelings and stories helps us feel less alone on the journey. I have learned so much from the experiences of others. Their stories have given me hope when I didn't have hope of my own. I have listened intently and had little light bulb moments that have changed my perspective and opened my heart and mind to new ideas and ways of thinking. Those ways of thinking are what now give me connection and deep serenity even when life is showing up and trying to shake my recovery. My mind often wants to go back to being asleep, to keep me small and quiet—numb to the world. But I am now awake, and want to be on this path with my eyes wide open. I want to share this journey with others who also want to be awake and together we can Recoveryoursoul.